How do I say no to my child?

Here is our first question. Submitted yesterday.

Dear Diana,

My son is 3 years old, he's a wonderful little boy with a big heart who brings nothing but joy to our lives. The problem is that he won't take no for an answer. Yesterday we went to the ice cream store and they didn't have his favorite ice cream flavor so he threw a tantrum and then demanded I give him my ice cream. I told him no and he threw another temper tantrum.I vas very mortified because everyone in the store was staring at us so we had to leave. He does this everywhere we go, and even at home. He doesn't let other children near his toys or his playroom. I have told him it isn't nice not to share but he just won't listen. When we visit my sister, who has a son close in age, my son will take over his toys and not give them back no matter how much we insist.
I will not hit my child, but how else can I teach him to share and stop being so selfish?

Carmen Los Angeles, CA



Carmen,

We always must teach our children self-control and respect for other's property. We also need to make sure they understand that life is not all about them. If you continue to give your child everything he wants, he will grow up expecting you and everyone else to give it to him.

I assume your son is an only child, and it isn't easy to teach our children the concept of ownership and sharing but it must be done. Your son isn't too young or too old to learn this. Who wants their son or daughter to play with a selfish child? Children are born selfish, and going against what comes naturally isn't easy; it takes a lot of hard work and consistency but it gets results.

Let your child see and hear about children who have much less. Tell them stories with good role models of giving, show them stories or movies on tv about disadvantaged children (make sure you watch with them)
Better than buying gifts for them to give to others, allow them to do a few special chores to earn money to purchase a gift. Or, they could help you bake some treats to give to someone who is alone at Christmas. Take the children along to see the person's grateful reaction to their gift. It will be an unforgettable experience. If a child is being selfish and doesn't want to give anything, let them experience the feeling of being left out when others have something to give and they don't.

Self-restraint and self-control are very important. Young children may think that they have a right to touch anything that catches their attention, but they must learn to restrain themselves and respect another person's home and things. Of course this is a lot easier to teach if your child has personal property of his own that others must respect (such as special toys, a blanky, etc). Each home should have share-toys (toys to share and take turns using for everyone at home and when people come over). This will let them practice sharing without the risk involved of something special of theirs being ruined. One way to avoid tantrums over sharing is to let your child hide a few of his most precious toys before any friends come over. Tell him these toys are ones he doesn't have to share, then put them away and do not let him access them while other children are visiting. Make sure your child is aware that what's left out is for everyone to share and ENFORCE this behavior. If your son attempts to share, praise his efforts. Also, kids learn by imitating what they see, so take every opportunity to show your child how to share.

Hope this helps!


Diana

Are you lonely?

I often hear many people express how lonely they feel, almost starved for affection. Most of these people think the answer is to find a romantic partner, which isn't always right.
First of all... don't go out there and 'look' for Mr. Right, let him find you; when you're meant to meet, you will meet and things will go on from there. Period.

Let's talk about you and that feeling of loneliness, of being incomplete, of emptiness that you feel inside. Some people turn to love, others turn to religion and others turn to their work in order to find that fullfillment; Not many people would reason that a very simple solution is to get a pet, if not for the satisfaction of saving a life, for the purpose of companionship. Single woman with a full time job and active social life? Can you see that little kitten just waiting at home for you?

Coming home after a long day at work, or one of those days when everything just goes wrong, coming home to find your dog or cat waiting at the door, looking at you with that unconditional love, happy to see you. Your pet doesn't care that you hate your job, or that your boyfriend is a jerk or that your family is dysfunctional or that you gained 5 lbs pre-PMS. Your pet loves you no matter what and is always willing to provide you with affection, it will never question you or do anything to harm you. All it asks in return is that you feed it, give it water, shelter, proper medical care, and your affection. That's it!

People often make excuses such as working long hours, or not having time to train an animal, or just about anything. There is so much material on the internet. All it takes is a google search for dog housetraining, or dog training, etc. and the willingness to learn. If you can afford obedience classes, even better! You pay a one time fee and get a great dog for years. Can't afford obedience classes? Watch the Dog Whisperer... that guy has a gift. For busy people that really don't have time for a dog, you can always get a cat. They're not as high-maintenance as a dog and they are animals with very distinct personalities that will captivate your heart. They don't need to be trained (except for using the litter and they learn quickly) and they are lots of fun. It has been medically proven that interaction with pets lower your levels of stress

So what if it takes some amount of time out of your day? What seems like an inconvenience will soon turn to routine. What do you get out of this? Unconditional love and affection from someone whose world revolves around you. If you're in a relationship, a pet can even help you bond with your significant other; walk the dog together, take the dog to the park together, go to the beach and take the pup with you... or watch your children play fetch with your dog. The simple act of watching your kitten play and pounce on your child's toes or chase a rubber ball around brings the entire family together in laughter.


Don't live to work... work to live! Life is too short. Love your family, spend time with your friends, make a new best friend- adopt a pet and save a life. If your life is so full of excitement and happiness that you can't make room in it for a new best friend, then please consider donating money, pet food, etc to a shelter near you.

If you ever want to get depressed just swing by any animal shelter and look at those poor little faces. They will haunt you forever. People with no patience or who just can’t be bothered to alter any part of their lives to help discipline or train an animal would much rather get rid of them, fully aware their odds of making it aren’t high. It is heart breaking to walk into those places and realize there are hundreds of thousands homeless and hungry animals just in our city alone, many of which started out as pets and most of which will end up facing starvation in our streets, getting poised, mauled by other predators, run over by vehicles, injured, sick, and most likely getting euthanized for lack of people interested in pet adoptions.

Just think about that next time you think you had a bad day.